What stops change, why we don’t or won’t change. What stands in the way of change?

Simply said, change can be painful and takes effort. The lie we believe is that staying where we are is better than moving to the unknown. As a reminder, we are talking about living a sustainable, successful life where you can be happy. What does “be happy” mean? While it means different things to different people, there are some basic tenets you can use to help your daily life experience. Here are some of the basic things to know about happiness.

• External happiness is not sustainable.
• Your perspective and attitude are critical to your state of mind.
• Unrealistic expectations ruin good moods.
• It is essential to plan for derailment.

External happiness is not sustainable. A good mood or happiness generated from external circumstances is like relying on the moon for tides. You can be confident that when those external circumstances change, your happiness will go with it like a waning tide, and your mood will be left high and dry on the gritty sand. I know a lot of people who are miserable because they don’t like the relationship they are in and want out. I also know other folks who are not in a relationship and are miserable because they want in. I think those people should talk to each other and trade perspectives.

The other story I have is going to Disneyland. Most children I know would just love to go to Disneyland. The thought of going to Disneyland brings happiness and joy. Yet, while visiting Disneyland, I see many younger kids who are unhappy. They are tired, worn out, upset, moody, crying, yelling, throwing fits. You’ve probably seen this: you don’t have to go further than the grocery store or mall. In what is billed to be the happiest place on earth (Disneyland, not the mall), the kids aren’t happy, and their parents are in the best mood either.
So, we must ask, what is the secret to joy on the inside vs. happiness based on circumstance? If you believe that the Bible is true and embrace Jesus as more than a prophet or wise person, there is something to be known as “The Joy of the Lord is my strength.” This may sound confusing because we just went through several paragraphs to convince you that happiness from external circumstances is only short-term joy. The idea of joy coming from God is a concept that doesn’t conform to the general truth. I will discuss this in more depth later.
The marvelous thing is that most people can understand and identify their circumstances and reactions and can choose their attitude about it. The trick is that it takes a lot of practice to become situationally aware of your reactions and attitudes. Most people live reactively, and you can spend many hours of entertainment viewing this phenomenon on social media to prove the point. I would be amiss if I didn’t give you the steps to fjord this river.

1. Practice becoming aware of your reactions to situations. Until you become aware of what is happening, you cannot change what you don’t know or do not understand.
2. Become willing to change yourself. Most people want to change others to make themselves more comfortable. I don’t say this doesn’t work if you are forceful enough. However, it is quite self-serving, and it won’t make you happy but, in fact, creates more irritation.
3. Research what you can do to respond differently to the situation. Be creative, but don’t go illegal with it. You have one of two choices when you find yourself constantly reacting the same way to similar situations and don’t like it. You can remove yourself from the situation or change your reaction and attitude toward it.
4. Practice responding differently until it becomes routine, and you don’t have to think about it.

You may be thinking, “OMG, this is too much. I don’t have the time or inclination to do all of that!” Valid on all three points. It IS a LOT, and this is just one tiny point of a successful life! It isn’t easy and will never be. You may not have the time now, but you can make the time if this is important. Think of it as a game to win. You may not have the inclination, but you can change that. After all, you are reading this book when you could be doing something more entertaining.

One of the four foundations of success is that any time we want to grow, there will be a cost. You can decide if you are willing to pay this ongoing cost in time and energy against the possible gains. I know people who have saved their relationships, others who have saved themselves from probable death, and others who don’t care. If you are reading this book, you probably do care. But, as stated by Smoky Bear, “Only you can prevent forest fires.” Meaning it is better to be proactive than reactionary. Reactionary is trying to put out a fire after it starts. Proactive means to think before you light the match.

In terms of satisfaction and happiness, my conclusion is that it would be best if you have a settled sense of satisfaction on the inside that bubbles up instead of something on the outside trying to seep in.

Your perspective and attitude are critical to your state of mind. Take this kind of silly example, which may not be as silly as it seems on the surface.

Tom and Brevi are at their breakfast table, overlooking a beautiful lake view. Brevi is watching Tom with his eyes buried in his phone. Attempting to start a conversation, she says, “I saw on the news that there was a fire downtown.” Tom replies, “Is that my fault? You’re always blaming me for everything!” Brevi responds, “What’s your stupid problem this morning? Can’t you be nice for once?”

What just happened?

Perception and attitude are 95% of the issue. Brevi is not attacking Tom. As a 3rd party privy to the conversation, she is reaching out for a connection. But, for Tom, the communication comes in, gets misrouted, and comes out in an inappropriate response. Tom doesn’t like being interrupted when he is doing something and has a misperception of the communication and thus responds defensively. Brevi then has to determine a response that could be defensive or inquiring. Tom’s attitude isn’t the best here in the first place. In this case, Brevi takes offense, and they may be in for a fight or cold shoulder about something that has nothing to do with the real issue. The more repetitions of this type of communication occur, the more concrete they become until it is much like watching a movie you have seen many times. You know the script and can repeat it without thinking, which is much of the problem.

The FIX for the problem, or any problem, is not easy and requires both parties’ deep desire and dedicated effort. But it is much the same as the four steps outlined above, which I repeat in the “Your Turn” section below: Become aware, be willing, figure it out, and practice daily. To fast-track the process, engage a counselor or counseling group. A coach can be helpful for accountability but cannot provide counseling from an ethical standpoint. If you oppose the type of intervention counseling offers, you will have to do the blind try and see what works, which takes longer.

Unrealistic expectations ruin good moods. The definition of “unrealistic” infers this is something that will not happen. Therefore, if you are expecting something that is not likely to occur, you are destined for a disappointing experience. I like this quote from the movie, “The Wizard of Oz,” because it states a truth about unrealistic expectations and our general thinking: disorganized and confused.

“As for you, my fine friend, you are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run away from danger, you have no courage. You’re confusing courage with wisdom.”

– Frank Morgan as the Wizard of Oz to Cowardly Lion

Each of the main characters of this movie was basically in the same mode of thinking; they were longing for something they already had or didn’t need. They did not understand that it was not the destination that was valuable but the journey itself. We are in the same boat with them. My definition of unrealistic expectations is we either want something that cannot be or do not appreciate something that already is, should be, or can be. If it were up to me, I would do away with expectations entirely because they are usually unrealistic, and the word “expectation” has the sense of something in the future that no one can accurately predict. If you and I were to traverse the Yellow Brick Road and face difficulties, I would not advocate, “Oh, let’s just enjoy and be happy about our pain and suffering!” But it is important to remember that maturity and wisdom do come from suffering, and if we endure and learn together, that is a bonus. Living in difficult circumstances and maintaining a good mood is possible because I have witnessed people do it and have learned, with difficulty, to do it myself… sometimes.

It is essential to plan for derailment. One of the essential parts of risk planning is to create a risk chart to help identify, prioritize, and determine mitigations for identified risks. If you are like most people, you do not only have one issue of reactivity or change to address. There are probably many areas you could do better with. This is not to say that you must be perfect or change everything to be joyful and happy; you don’t. Remember, this is a journey, and the purpose is to learn to have joy ON the journey today, not in the future tomorrow, and not based on circumstance. It is possible to have joy daily, no matter the circumstances. It hinges upon your perspective and attitude.

There are circumstances where you don’t have a lot of influence on your situation. A while back, a man named Paul was imprisoned and suffered under terrible circumstances. Some of it was his own fault, and he seemed to realize what he was getting into, but still, he was being unfairly accused. Yet, in his writings, his perspective and attitude were admirable, and we still refer to him today as an example of going through tremendous suffering with his joy intact. You can, too; it is not impossible or far beyond you. It is easy but also difficult because it requires change, and any change is hard.

One component of change is identifying what could go wrong and having a plan to respond to it before it becomes necessary to actually respond. We all know Murphy’s Law, which states that if things CAN go wrong, they WILL go wrong. I have experienced this almost daily for over 50 years and sometimes shake my head in disbelief at how this can happen. Situations and people will always go off the rails regarding thinking and behavior; just be sure you don’t derail along with them. For many years, I was reactive and followed right along into the ditch until I was able to learn these principles. Practice this long enough, and it will become natural behavior. Your reactive responses will be replaced with wisdom from intentional planning, resulting in maturity and growth.

This chapter discusses what prohibits someone like yourself from experiencing joy and happiness daily. At the root of the issue is your perspective and resulting attitude. If you look at your situation and do not imagine something different, then you are not likely to expend the effort to change your attitude. We tend to remain stuck in a particular point of view, maybe because it expends less energy than dealing with it. The way to daily joy is to examine our underlying perspective and attitude and then work to change it. But really, it is easier than that because you only need to change your attitude, and your perspective will ride along and shift with it.

1. Practice becoming aware of your reactions to situations. Until you become aware of what is happening, you cannot change what you don’t know or do not understand.
2. Become willing to change yourself. Most people want to change others to make themselves more comfortable. I don’t say this doesn’t work if you are forceful enough. However, it is quite self-serving, and it won’t make you happy but, in fact, creates more irritation.
3. Research what you can do to respond differently to the situation. Be creative, but don’t go illegal with it. You have one of two choices when you find yourself constantly reacting the same way to similar situations and don’t like it. You can remove yourself from the situation or change your reaction and attitude toward it.
4. Practice responding differently until it becomes routine, and you don’t have to think about it.